Mistake Number One

Mary and I had to make the dreadful decision to move mom into an assisted living home. Because of her resistance to moving, the home needed to have a locked dementia unit. Mom has always been a very independent person. Even when listening to her stories about her childhood, I always got the impression that mom was not afraid to do things on her own. So both Mary and I knew that moving her was not going to be easy. When she was first diagnosed with vascular dementia, we were told by the psychiatric specialists that mom should not live alone. They put her on some heavy-duty dementia medications, and boy do those meds work. Mom was mom again. Seriously. The paranoia went away. The delusions went away. The confusion went away. So, Mary and I decided to take mom home. She did great! Mistake number one. When the experts say, “Don’t let your mother live alone,” follow their advice. Mom went about her business (less her vehicle-we were not completely convinced that she should start driving again) cleaning her house and paying bills. This lasted about two weeks. Then, mom decided that she felt great and, “Why do I need these medications, anyway?” She went off her meds. Yikes! The paranoia came back. The delusions came back. Mom stopped eating because she thought someone was poisoning her food. She would talk in circles and rarely make sense. She would get angry at you because you didn't answer her comment appropriately (the comment she made an hour ago). She started rifling through all her things again. The house was turned upside down. I would get there and the front porch would be full of items that mom wanted to “get rid of.” Toilet paper? Your winter coat? Groceries? Ok, I agree with the ugly blue Christmas tree...that can go. Mary and I were at a loss for what to do. We were taking turns driving to Muskegon every day to check on mom. We ordered meals-on-wheels. Mom forgot how to use the microwave. We hired a home health aid to come help her prepare meals and give her her meds. Mom refused to take her meds. My wonderful friend Teresa and her mother, Gail, would stop by to check up on mom and take her out to dinner. Mom’s nieces and cousin would check in on her to give Mary and I a break. None of this worked. It was clear that Lulu was not safe to live at home. What finally sealed our decision to move her was a late night walk mom took, in the freezing cold, with no coat and only slippers on her feet. We found out about this walk the next day. Apparently, she walked up to the gas station to buy cigarettes, became increasingly confused (an attribute of sun-downers syndrome) and stormed off...down the railroad tracks. She went about 6 or 7 miles, then decided to take a “shortcut” home. This shortcut involved climbing a fence that surrounded a body of water. Yes, I just said a 74 year old women climbed a fence (in her slippers, no less). But, she couldn't get back over the fence. Finally, after standing there for God only knows how long, the police spotted her, helped her get over the fence and brought her home. (She later told us, “The airport fence was just too high for me to climb.”) We moved mom into a home for dementia patients. I can’t even express how relieved Mary and I were to finally have her in a safe place. Seriously, prior to moving her, we would lose sleep at night wondering if she was alright. We were calling her several times a day to check in. Even if we had just left her house, the worrying never stopped. Finally, we felt that we had made the right choice in keeping mom safe. This is all a learning process for us, and we dreadfully realized that we will make mistakes...but, we also will learn from them.